“What do you think I should do, guys?” Having arrived at work, You Zhengping pestered his underlings nonstop, telling them everything starting from Yu Hua losing his job to this morning’s missing good morning kiss, then sadly asking for help. 

You Zhengping’s number one underling Cen Xiao yawned, taking a bottle of coke from the boxes of drinks piled in the corner. He gave a leisurely burp, then slowly said, “Everything will be fine in a few days when he finds a job.” 

“Right, right.” Underling number two, Shi Yongfu, nodded disinterestedly. “You’ll make it all up in bed. Go home tonight and make him give you a good night kiss. It’ll be fine.” 

“Are you my brother or not!” You Zhengping hit the desk in anger. “My life is undergoing an unprecedented crisis!” 

The underlings looked simultaneously at Cen Xiao, hinting with their expression that he should placate You Zhengping. 

Cen Xiao drank the remaining half a bottle of coke. The stimulating taste cleared his head. He dropped the bottle in the trash can, went over to You Zhengping, and said, “Control your strength. Do you remember what happened to the last desk?” 

You Zhengping had a boisterous temperament. It had been all right when he’d been single; he hadn’t flipped out easily. Since meeting Yu Hua, he’d get worked up almost every day, from Yu Hua cooking for him to Yu Hua’s excellent figure to Yu Hua’s… Ahem, the rest couldn’t be said. In short, at the least stirring, You Zhengping would be unable to control his strength and wreck the desk and chairs. 

At first Cen Xiao and the others had let You Zhengping have his way. It was normal for a person who was dating to have unsdesk emotions. 

But You Zhengping’s emotions had been unsdesk for three years. He spent each minute and each second in the passionately in love stage. And whether he was flying high or down in the dumps, the people around him still suffered. 

He’d wrecked his own desk, Cen Xiao’s desk, Shi Yongfu’s desk, everyone’s desks, the desks brought in from the storeroom, old desks other people didn’t want…

“You really can’t wreck another one,” Cen Xiao said earnestly. “This desk is the one we put together out of the wreckage of the desks you broke before. Our superiors won’t let us apply for any more office furniture. Save some!” 

“Right, right!” Shi Yongfu was holding a bag of instant noodles and slurping them up. “Boss, look at me, you smashed my stainless steel lunchbox, and now I have to eat instant noodles made in their own packaging. Do I have it easy? Please control yourself. Is this a normal relationship?” 

As he spoke, Shi Yongfu inhaled all the broth in the bag and neatly threw his single use chopsticks and the bag into separate trash cans. 

You Zhengping looked at him suspiciously. “Don’t you make noodles in the bag because you’re too lazy to wash your lunchbox?” 

“…” Shi Yongfu quickly changed the subject. “That’s not important. Let’s talk about Yu Hua.” 

Hearing the name “Yu Hua,” You Zhengping forgot about the business of being too lazy to wash a lunchbox. He sighed lengthily. “What do you think, guys, is it because I make too little money and put too much stress on him that he’s having an emotional crisis? Does he want to get divorced?” 

Cen Xiao, who had drunk coke on an empty stomach, rubbed helplessly at his temples. He never should have gotten involved in You Zhengping’s business. In the beginning, he’d only wanted to help his brother get out of his elders’ plan to force him to get married. When had it come to this? 

About four years ago, when You Zhengping had been only 21, he’d been carefree, living recklessly, challenging his friends to contests in all kinds of extreme sports whenever he had free time, living the life everyone wanted. 

His friends envied You Zhengping, but his family was anxious. It didn’t mean anything for a young man to have an unsteady temper and only want to play around, but couldn’t he play at something safer, something more normal? His elders worried to death every time he did extreme sports. 

At this point, one of You Zhengping’s distant relations made a proposal. The child is twenty-one and has never dated. Boys settle down when they start dating. A girlfriend will be much more useful than us elders. 

So his family started wildly trying to find someone to introduce to You Zhengping. You Zhengping was stunned and protested in the interest of a free life: “I’m not even of legal age to marry yet, aren’t you all in too much of a hurry?” 

The elders said, “That’s all right, you can date for a few years and then get married.” 

With no way out, You Zhengping stamped his foot in irritation. “I don’t like women, I like guys!” 

This was only his excuse to get the elders to stop their plans for a blind date, but after discussing it, his elders kindly said, “So…do you like one of your friends? If you like one of them, bring him home. That Cen Xiao seems…” 

You Zhengping panicked. He simply couldn’t imagine one of the underlings he trounced during training becoming his partner. He shook his head like a rattle. “No, no, I haven’t met anyone I like yet!” 

The elders said, “You won’t meet anyone nice doing those dangerous extreme sports every day. Let us introduce you to someone.” 

The elders wouldn’t let him off, seeming to hold the attitude that even if he had liked non-humans, they would have found one to introduce him to. 

Well aware that he couldn’t get out of the blind date, You Zhengping had a brainwave. While he couldn’t refuse his elders, he could make his blind date dislike him!

So You Zhengping fussily said, “The type I like is…the opposite of my layabout friends. Cultured, better looking than me, likes to wear suits, can speak at least five foreign languages, ideally a graduate of a Project 985 or 211 university¹, a little older than me but not too old. He can’t be someone from inside the system. Someone with prospects for advancing in business, with a future salary that can support me. Someone who looks at first glance like the cream of society!” 

These exacting requirements did give his family pause. Just as You Zhengping was exulting over his own resourcefulness, his dad You Guodong spoke thoughtfully: “I have an old comrade-in-arms. He started his own business after leaving the army and knows a lot of people in big business. I can have him find someone to introduce you to.” 

You Zhengping: “…” 

In a dignified tone, You Guodong said, “Your demands are so high, and I’m humbling myself to find you someone who fits your requirements. If you dare not to go when the time comes—hmph!” 

As he gave a cold snort, You Guodong cracked two walnuts in his hand. 

You Zhengping swallowed. Forcing himself to bear up, he said, “I’ll go. If you find a suitable person for me, of course I’ll go. I just don’t know whether he’ll like me.” 

Then he fled in defeat and went to his underlings to discuss what to do next. 

Four years ago, Cen Xiao had been a hothead. He hadn’t yet experienced the hypocrisy of humanity and the inconstancy of love. He and his friends racked their brains to think of something to help You Zhengping. 

You Guodong was very efficient. The next day, he arranged a blind date, told You Zhengping to go on the date that weekend, and indicated that he and his old comrade-in-arms, as the people making the introduction, would accompany him. 

“That won’t work!” You Zhengping, who was just devising ways to spoil the date, said quickly. “If you guys go, will it be me going on a date, or you and your comrade-in-arms going on a date? If you come, I’m not going!” 

His attitude was very determined. There was nothing You Guodong could do. He could only warn You Zhengping again and again that he absolutely couldn’t be late. 

On the day of the blind date, You Zhengping went to the arranged restaurant an hour early and used a telescope to observe people going into the restaurant from a place nearby. 

“Boss, you’ve been looking for ages. What have you seen?” asked his underling Shi Yongfu. 

“I’m observing the restaurant’s quality,” You Zhengping, sitting in Cen Xiao’s off-road car, explained quietly. “This is a very stylish Chinese restaurant. To pick this restaurant, my blind date must have excellent taste. I have to appear to be the opposite of his preferences. That way, he’ll turn me down. It’s not my fault if he doesn’t like me, hahaha!” 

Cen Xiao said, “Boss, if you want him to turn you down, isn’t that easy? How about we ambush him in a corner and beat him up, teach him not to set his sights too high, make him tell your parents that he can’t measure up?” 

“Do you think my dad hasn’t thought of that?” You Zhengping said, grinding his teeth. “He was afraid I wanted to ambush the man, so he didn’t even give me a photo! He only told me the number of the private room in the restaurant. I’ll only find out who my blind date is when I go!” 

The underlings didn’t have any more ideas. They stared at You Zhengping. 

You Zhengping said, “It’s all right, I more or less understand this person’s tastes. If I dress alternatively and act vulgar, he definitely won’t like me.” 

They fished out their phones and searched for alternative shamate² looks. After going through some photos, the underlings babbled out suggestions for how You Zhengping could change his look—

“You have to wear clothes with holes in them, I’ll go to that store and buy scissors and cut your pants and shirt into a beggar’s rags.” 

“The hair. It has to be styled and colorful. Your hair is too short, it would be too hard to style, but we can go for colorful. I’ll go to the hairdresser’s next door and buy colored spray-on hair dye.” 

“Smack your lips when you chew, pop gum when you talk. I’ll go buy gum.” 

“You have to wear flip-flops and scratch your belly! I’ll go buy flip-flops and a scratcher.” 

“…” 

“…”

The underlings poured out of the car one after another to buy things, leaving You Zhengping alone with his mouth hanging open. What did this crowd of underlings want to turn him into? 

The underlings, each bringing the prop he’d fixed upon, came back to transform You Zhengping. There were kind smiles on their faces. Their eyes were full of sincerity. They were striving to use their intelligence to help You Zhengping. 

“Fuck, you guys aren’t tormenting me on purpose, are you? Cen Xiao, put down the spray-on dye, I’ll kill you if you come near my hair!” You Zhengping yelled uselessly under his underlings’ siege. “The scratcher is for later, during the blind date, why are you scratching the sole of my foot?” 

You Zhengping struggled wildly. The off-road car parked at the side of the road vibrated fiercely from all their efforts. 

By this point, You Zhengping had noticed that this crowd of underlings didn’t actually want to help him, they were taking the opportunity to prank him! You Zhengping charged helplessly towards the car door. Cen Xiao said, “Weld the doors shut, You Zhengping isn’t getting out of the car today. Hehe, boss, we’re doing it for your own good!” 

The car doors were firmly locked. You Zhengping got a window open with a struggle, wanting to jump out of it. 

As soon as his head poked out the car window, Shi Yongfu, who was behind him, used the scissors to cut up his new pants. You Zhengping shouted, “Are you human? I just bought these pants, this is my first time wearing them! Go easy, my thigh is bleeding, help!” 

You Zhengping climbed desperately towards the car window, trying to escape his underlings’ clutches. Just then, a large, tall figure stood in front of the window. Lifting his phone, he said to You Zhengping, who was calling for help, “Do you need a hand?” 

The inside of the car instantly fell silent. 

The person outside of the car looked through the window, saw You Zhengping being held down by two people while of the two others, one was scratching the sole of his foot with a scratcher, and the other was using scissors to cut up his pants. 

“Please stop this behavior, or else I’ll call the police.” The person outside the car turned his phone around, aiming the screen at all of them. The number displayed on the screen was 110. 

You Zhengping opened his mouth wide, staring dumbly at this person’s handsome and righteous countenance. His brain was blank. He only saw those sexy lips opening and closing; he had no idea what this person was saying. 

“We-we-we-we’re just joking,” Cen Xiao said quickly. “We’re friends, he…lost at Truth or Dare, he’s being punished.” 

“Is that true?” the person outside the car asked You Zhengping gravely. 

“Hehe,” You Zhengping laughed stupidly. “What’s your name?” 

“My name is Yu Hua. Are they telling the truth? If they’re threatening you, don’t be afraid, I’ll help you.” Yu Hua’s deep eyes were looking at You Zhengping, giving him endless courage. 

“Threatening my ass!” said Cen Xiao, crumbling. “He bullies us every day. For once we have an opportunity to get back at him, and we get taken for criminals!”  

To prove his innocence, Cen Xiao fished out his phone and opened the photo album. The photo album contained countless photos of You Zhengping trampling on them. Cen Xiao showed them to Yu Hua one by one, proving that they were a crowd of bad friends. 

Only then did Yu Hua nod hesitantly and awkwardly say, “I’m sorry, I misunderstood.  Although…joking is one thing, but you should do you best not to use lethal weapons. You may accidentally hurt your friend in the struggle.” 

Shi Yongfu dropped the scissors he was holding, put up his hands, and said, “I swear after this I’ll only use the scratcher.” 

“Sorry to bother you.” From outside the car, Yu Hua apologized to each of them and only walked away from the car when he’d gotten everyone’s understanding. 

You Zhengping’s neck moved along with Yu Hua. Only when half his body was sticking out of the car window did he get hauled back by his bad friends. 

“We finally found an opportunity to teach you a lesson,” Cen Xiao said weakly, “and we got taken for criminals. It’s no fun.” 

The others also put down their tools in dismay. 

You Zhengping, meanwhile, stared blankly for a while, laughed stupidly twice, and patted Cen Xiao, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, on the shoulder. “Go ahead and spray on your rainbow hair dye.” 

Cen Xiao’s eyes widened. “Aren’t you more attached to your hairstyle than your head?” 

“But I…” You Zhengping glanced out the car window again. “I think I’ve fallen in love at first sight… No, I have to spoil the blind date. After this meal ends, help me find that man from just now!” 

Owing to their boss falling in love at first sight with a passerby and being determined to ruin the blind date, the underlings worked together to give You Zhengping an alternative shamate look. 

With his hair magnificently dyed rainbow-colored, his clothes full of holes made by the scissors, wearing flip-flops, hand scratching his abs, chewing gum, You Zhengping walked duck-footed into the restaurant’s private room. 

To show he had no quality, he blew a huge bubble as he walked through the door. The bubble blocked his vision. You Zhengping didn’t see who was waiting for him inside the private room. 

But that wasn’t important. No matter who his blind date was, You Zhengping had to make him dislike him. 

Blowing the bubble, he put a foot on the table. 

“Pop!” The bubble, blown to its largest, burst. You Zhengping got the gum back into his mouth and said to his blind date, “So you’re this…

“Uh!” After seeing the man’s face, You Zhengping sucked in a breath, the gum sticking right in his throat. 

“Are you all right?” His blind date quickly passed over a cup of water. 

His concerned expression was just the same as when he had asked whether You Zhengping needed a hand from outside the car. It was gentle and courageous, full of righteousness and radiance. 

“Ahem!” Drinking water and coughing violently, You Zhengping managed to spit out the gum. 

He stared at Yu Hua, sucked in a fierce breath, stuck out five fingers and said, “Forget everything that happened after I walked through the door, give me five minutes!” 

Then You Zhengping desperately ran out of the private room. At the door, he was running too urgently. His flip-flop twisted. Dragging his twisted leg, he ran, limping, towards the bathroom. 

Watching him leave, Yu Hua sat back in his seat. Recalling what had just happened, he couldn’t resist laughing. 

---

Translator's Note

¹Briefly, two different projects to develop Chinese higher education; Project 985 derives from the date of its announcement (98/5) and Project 211 from its slogan (“In preparation for the 21st century, successfully managing 100 universities.”)

²A Chinese youth subculture with a style somewhere between goth and anime; the name is a transliteration of the word “smart.”